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Age is just a number.....

Just look at that piece of wood! It's beautiful! Texture, colour, motion=energy. I started this 'age' blog at the end of February but I only got as far as the picture. I know I was going to write about age and aging because I just know how my mind works! Was I too high to keep going or too high and lost interest or did my child come home early so I couldn't concentrate?

Doesn't matter. I'm writing it now because it is a subject still heavy on my mind lately. Age is just a number but the statistics are still accumulating! What do I mean? Well, age does mean more pain and that doesn't disappear no matter how young you act or think. But now it's physical pain more than anything else...or at least that's been my experience! Stats=pains.

I mean, I am actually older and wiser! Sometimes I feel like I'm living my best life so far because I have come through the other side of a battle with death (GOT) and come out stronger! More resilient, more calm, more accepting (except when driving---there, I still fume and swear like a....actually, I'm not as bad as I used to be; now I let it out and done.....unless it gets serious!)

But what I really mean, (clearly not a good writing day), is that I feel less depressed about the things that don't matter, like being liked or having a social life. Those things matter a little bit but I can do without them.

The battle with death? Wanting to die and feeling already dead. Thus my image here is appropriate. (Am I just blowing smoke up my own ass here? Does anyone believe this shit? Does it make sense? Does anyone care?) And THAT, is why I write---it's for work things out and maybe help someone else going through the same thing (or not). Like the battle with death thing---'ah ha!' moment for game of thrones: Art reflects life---the battle with death is about aging or pain or depression. Maybe it was the author's own battle, characterized by many 'characters' over a storyline.

My battle? Overcoming the monster that shadows my life, or least putting it on a leash and only giving it a short walk before I have to pen it up again. Bad Dog! The time that elapses between depressive thought and getting over it has been whittled down to a matter of minutes!! Instead of months or years! I feel like I tamed the dragon! Oh, there are so many other movie references to go to now!!

But wait, so I was getting to something here....I was unearthing another 'ah ha' you are young and fit, you experience a lot of growing pains which (aside from the actual growing pains) are mostly mental or emotional.......but when you get older and "wiser", the pain becomes physical. That's not fucking fair! When you're're too stupid, naive, innocent, inexperienced to realize that TIME is limited for these bodies and that TODAY is the day to be in---that life is about living it---that every day is a gift!! Don't waste it on worry or hate or envy or greed! I sound like a bible. It's funny that even in a religion that has been the cause of so much death and hatred---even that religion, espouses hints of how to live a good life--a life of love and joy and happiness!!! Even under all that shit, there is some gold. The one rule that I have measured my life by has always been, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". That's literally the ONLY rule to live by (except if you're a masochist---then my logic all falls to shit). Yin/Yang, people!!

So now, I FEEL my age---not the number of my 'age', but the limits of my age. I have a limited time left to do the things that I just realized are the most important things I want to do with my life, and I've been wasting a lot of time getting here, worrying about stuff that shouldn't have mattered and being distracted by things that won't last. So, I FEEL my age, dude!

And its not like there haven't been warnings and road-signs along the way....a Zen book here, a Confucius quote there, an 'urban myth'/murphy's law injection, a bath of musical and/or artistic philosophers! Like, "Three little birds....." or "Don't worry, be happy..." or "All you need is love...." or 'Love will keep us together..." Name those artists!

So what I'm saying is, make the 'messages' a bit less subtle! This is going out to all my future and past selves and/or all the "force" that follows some plan! Or maybe I need this time to figure this out and actually learn the lessons set before me in each life? (I'm not stupid!!)

AH HA!!!! oops, where'd it go? come back here! ……… The 'messages' are there to guide one back onto the path and the lesson, when one somehow strays. The 'messages' are like code words that ring a little bell in our cerebellum---they have a 'ring' of truth and sanity to them.

Like....."don't work for friends".....this is out there in the ethos, its a wise adage that has permeated our DNA because it is TRUE! And because 'THIS IS ONE OF THOSE WARNINGS: IGNORE AT YOUR OWN PERIL". Your brain hears or reads that and it goes "AH! This is very strangely, warmly, comfortable like an old sweater. I should pay attention to this!"

So the adage is true but we choose to ignore it, over and over and over again, because fucking humans have to learn everything for themselves! Because our brains are hard-wired for it! Robotic Voice: "I - do - not - learn - by - hearing, - I - learn - by - doing".

So aging really sucks because now that my brain has truly evolved to a better place (where I have more peace in my heart...….my body is breaking down in ways that limit my energy and ability to physically accomplish my real world goal! S-U-C-K-S

Now that I KNOW what they mean by 'do what you love, love what you do', I find myself stuck in a job I have hated for years and a system of life that requires payment for life's necessities (food, shelter) so that even though I NOW KNOW that this job is killing me and I should quit to pursue my passion--take that leap of faith (!!!) and "have no fear!" (I mean some of these 'messages' are even part of advertising slogans for commercial commodities! I mean, talk about tapping into the universal consciousness for PROFIT!) Dirty pool. So, even though I know that stuff, I'm still afraid and I'm still working towards retirement because that is only in 7 years and my daughter will be able to vote! Fear is still the motivator for my decision for my life, but it isn't fear for myself now, but of my child---doesn't that make it an altruistic failure to overcome??

Because "failures" are a two-sided coin, people!!! Yin/Yang, man! Guildenstern and Rosencrantz. You know what's going on here, people? It comes down to choice Our lives are about choices---the choices we make are what determines the path of our lives----and along the way we find 'markers' or 'truths' that re-define our path.....maybe to nudge us back to the 'lesson' or to remind us why we are here (distractions of lust and greed and hate can put us far off course)!

Sins! They aren't "sins" of the flesh but are "sins" of the soul....Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...…"All you need is...LOVE! Dat, tadat, tadat!" God-like voice: "CHOOSE! To be Happy! CHOOSE! To do the 'right' thing!" What is the "right" thing? I think the "right" thing is to do what sits 'right' in your soul. Do what you can live with; measure everything you do with this metre stick and you will always do your best. Because the best is all you can do. Roly Poly Oly! I loved that show on a very deep level!! The creators of that show had a deep understanding of life and how intimidating it must be to be a child in a world that strives for excellence, or the best! "Do your best because its the best YOU can do!" And the Koala Brothers!! The helping song!!! Put that idea and the 'doing your best' attitude together and humanity could be a garden of Eden! I mean, why do these religious quotes keep coming up? And why, does an artificial intelligence like a computer program get to dictate whether I capitalize Eden or not (eden)! Is it just because of the insidious nature of religion? Or is it just the rules of grammar? Conspiracy theory or 'names get capitals' period (no hidden agenda!)? OOh I love my brain when high! So amusing and musing.

That last line could be a commercial catch phrase for selling weed. Or the description of LIFE in yin/yang terms. I mean really. Life is incredible and beautiful, and ugly and shameful, and wondrous and peaceful, and vicious and brutal, ALL at the SAME time! How long can one human carry on this push/pull game between life and death? No wonder this body wears out in such a short time!

Think about it! When life was brutal, life expectancy was very low, say, forty years, and then, the more life improved for even the average human?? Now some of us (DNA hand-me-downs), can expect to live as long as one hundred or more!? And the average human? Eighty to ninety? That's awesome. So what will our life expectancies be if we improve life now for EVERYONE! S_O_C_I_A_L_I_S_M!! We might live to 200!!! Just think what we could achieve in a "lifetime", the new 'lifetime' of 'our' times! And don't forget that other scientific fields would also advance at the same rate as our 'enlightenment' blossomed---our bodies would be in better shape because we eat better (according to our specific body's needs) and exercise more and have less stress! So we wouldn't have a failing body at the time when our brains are just reaching MATURITY!! And I mean maturity of the soul too because if you are still all about yourself when you reach 'middle-age', you are without a soul, or perhaps, a 'baby' soul, a VERY immature soul. So if we can rid the world of those evil dictators, uh, I mean, presidents, I mean, the ONE percent....then we should be able to get the world back into a BALANCE, a Yin/Yang, instead of mostly Yin and not a lot of Yang, or vice versa. Less white, more black. Balance. Tip the scales the other way, too much of either is not good. Two sides of the same coin.

And you're thinking.....'What the fuck does Socialism have to do with aging?!?!? Well, if you haven't already done the calculations, I'll walk you through it. Socialism means everyone helps each other and no one suffers at the hands/profit of another; that means less stress on our lives/bodies/souls and more joy; more joy and less stress mean more health and less decay; Thus, with Socialism one can live longer!! I could make an animation about this! It would be hilarious! The title would be, "Choose Socialism, You'll Live Longer!!" A slogan!!

Would people see that out of the blue and think, 'what the fuck does that mean????' or would they 'get' it? Are people 'mature' enough to 'get' it or do you just have to be high? (laughter, laughter, applause)

So I might take more of the 'brownie' tomorrow since I had to add on a couple puffs and glasses of "lee-quod re-fresh-mont" Mahnn! (insert Jamaican accent here)

I am more interested in my experiment into integrating the Ganja into my daily routine, that I am less inclined to using my free time on art (which I love only less than my daughter!) and I prefer to spend it getting high and writing about it. Is this a mid-life crisis or an awakening? I do apologize to anyone bothered by my repetitive "so's" and "or's" and "exclamation points".....I like to think of it as visual/aural writing....a bit of visual art and playing with words (more than one meaning to 'play' and 'words' there and they all apply) and trying to 'sound' like I would sound if this was 'spoken' word. Tone is very important. One wrong word or one wrong punctuation mark and you could be doomed!! So many different paths, so many different realities! Destined to be relived over and over again until the lesson is learned and the 'right' path is chosen. Yin/Yang. Right path, left path, which is 'THE' path? I say, balance. I think that is the message from all great literature, art, film and music (even instrumental): a little bit of this and a little bit of that, makes a 'spicy' curry; a bit of the carnal balances out the saint. Right now we need a bit less of the 'sin' or selfishness, and a bit more of the self-less-ness or acts of love.

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