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Womyn, Hear Me Roar

Tee hee. I was just trying to think of an engaging title about the 'Me Too' "movement" (is it though? that title of 'movement' makes me cringe a little---more on that later!) and, I thought about the words used to describe gender and find that there is no word that is independent of "men" words for describing "their" gender. 'He' who shall remain nameless. NI! Any way, tee hee. I suddenly remembered that there had already been a generation of women who had tried to come up with a 'noun' for wo-men or fe-male that didn't play second fiddle to "man", male, penis. And all they (these women from our past) could come up with was "womyn". Shows one how difficult that prospect is!

So, (makes me wonder what image I will choose for that title!), I started this blog today because there is something that has been perplexing me, bothering me, pestering me, nagging at me!! I'm a 50 year old woman, soon to be 51; I'm separated and without 'close' friends (yadda yadda yadda, 'he' was my best friend so I didn't have any, and then I alienated the newer ones somehow....); but I like to go out dancing! I want to go out dancing! But I'm afraid to! I know that says lots about me but it also says A LOT about society! Doesn't it? Me Too, are you with me??

I mean, I know a place that I feel comfortable going to by myself to dance because the DJs are usually quite good and its small like a rich friend's living room and not like a meat warehouse. Yes, that meat reference was intended. If I was a man, I could go down to that pub anytime I wanted to and not be fearful of any violence being perpetrated on me while I was slightly intoxicated or even sober. Why can't I go down to my local pub and have a few pints and dance and then go home???? It's 2019 PEOPLE!!!!! Are we cavemen?? **(while I agree that men are also victims of random violence, there is not the ever-present danger of that)**

I realize that, I am a fifty year old woman......I come from a long, long, long line of generations of women before me who had to protect themselves and their bodies from violence by: (get this: imagine you are a male and this is what your life was like) having a CURFEW: self-imposed or society of the time-----being CHAPARONED: always have a group of women/men as 'protection' against violence or unwanted advances-----CENSORSHIP: of what you were comfortable wearing except that you don't want to give the wrong impression!! (ie: say: come and get it!!)

WTF!!!! Are you kidding? Men don't have to think like that! Reminds me how much I ADORE Amy Schumer in her latest stand up "Growing"! So smart! Such a good title! Growing as in pregnant but also growing, as in a person! And that's what we do as women when we have another life growing inside us----WE also GROW! Physically AND most importantly, mentally and emotionally. Okay this is going to become a review of her stand up show because it is so relevant to me now (even though she is younger than me!! I mean I can totally relate to her journey since there is really only 5 years of difference between our actual awakenings---I was 40 when I had the epiphanies she is having at about 35 (? not sure, guessing age)). She is much younger than me and yet what she says/writes speaks to me even at 50 because she is the first person I have heard to vocalize the growth that I went through. And, also, what the fuck, you bitches don't let anyone know how hard motherhood is going to be, from the beginning to never-ending! (muttering expletives under my breath for several minutes...)

In the last couple years since my heart was shattered, I have realized a lot of things about myself. It has been a treacherous journey but from the perspective of where I am now, I can relate to her "settling" in to this 'growing' that we as women are doing right now, in 2019, and the 'growing' that ALL women throughout time have been experiencing while being pregnant and/or just being a woman. There is a 'growth' that happens to women while pregnant that is amazing---its a focussing of what is truly important in life and that is 'life'---this new born life will be the most important thing in this woman's life, IF she is in the right 'head' space to be able to accommodate such a gift (so I mean any woman who truly wants and will love this new life no matter how conceived----so that definition can even include victims of violence and rape who don't blame the child). A child that is wanted. It breaks my heart that any child would have to suffer anything, let alone not being wanted.

Which tellls me something about myself that I would not have imagined about myself before I was becoming a mother: that I was BORN to be a MOM; I'm a really good mom to MY daughter, But I also think I would be an awesome mom to an adopted child. Because I love without limits. That doesn't mean I don't say no or get mad but it does mean I would rescue that child before anything else in the world. I would not have thought that I would put anything above my art before becoming a mom and I would not have thought that the love of my life would take second fiddle to my child---but that's what happened.

So I'm not surprised he left me. And with a few years past the pain of rejection and the pain of 'growing' out of my 'chrysalis of self', I can now see through 'wiser' eyes; eyes that see that it was all meant to be this way and that I met him to make her and she is my life. And I'm lucky that something greater than me prevented me from ending my life at so many of the divergencies in my life---that each "good" thing that turned bad led me to this point in my life. And all the points in my lives.

Off topic totally.

Any way! The woman thing. I'm 50 years old and I want to go out dancing but I don't have any girlfriends (at the moment) and no male friends who I could ask to go dancing with me without it being awkward. I just want to go dancing! I DO dance at home and I love it! I can get high too at home which means I can "let my freak flag fly" and dance anyway I want; and not hit anyone! and not have to curb my enthusiasm! and not have to worry if I'm too drunk when the music is over! 'Cause I control the freaking music too!! But it's not the same as going out. Why? What am I looking for in the experience out in public? Is it an ego thing? Am I looking for validation? Yes, I'm a good dancer? Maybe, but I really like the unpredictability of other people and other people's choice of music. I can request things which is good but I can find new moves to new music and I can 'feed' off other peoples' dancing and off their vibes.

What I am afraid of is the unpredictability of violence against women. The pub might be so dead as to be no fun at all or it might be so busy as to be worse than no fun at all. but the possibility of violence or manipulation is very high. Why should any woman these days have to even think about that stuff? It's nuts and yet it isn't, because we are still living with 'cavemen'. We have a LONG way to go sisters.

I hope it can be changed in this generation but it seems that every generation of women feels like 'they've arrived' when they are actually just slogging through quicksand over hundreds of years! We will get there, we will. Every step forward is forward but just in really slow....motion.

And 'growing' also means becoming the 'mother earth mom'---the highest perspective before whatever comes before "GODS"----oh, lets be serious, its THE highest perspective, period. Period. Get it? Period, it screams 'woman is god'.

Growing into Mother Earth who cares about all babies, and the future of all babies, and all beings were once babies...….She is god, mother earth, and all life is Her concern. So She turns her attention to larger issues that affect not only her child's future but all children's future. That's why we need more woman in places of power. This world has gone to shit in men's hands. "Men" are lesser creatures. I know this because my grandfather was a great man and he said so. Plus he knew as a man that his weakness was women. Therefore, lesser. Lesser, because they can't think about the bigger picture for a sustained amount of time---the lack of attention to the health of all people, from whatever ethnic or economic background has left us with a society that just wants to kill each other because we are all so stressed to simply survive---have enough to eat, feed our families, maintain communities to help us all survive. And men are still incredible and inventive and full of depth....just not the best babysitter, little Earth ever had.

And secondary to new life. Important and irreplaceable, but still secondary to new life. No wonder men wander and women become single parents: its part of the pattern of life. Or one of them. Lots of men make real commitments to their wives and stick it out. Those are men who are either so at peace with themselves or so fearful of the unknown that they don't wander. The 'wanderers' are men who are lost, without a compass heading, who need to be defined by something outside of themselves (not at peace), or have more fear of another unknown which is, of a life unknown, self-doubt, regret, dissatisfaction with one's life choices. Kind of the same thing really. And could be said about women too.

But I think, on the whole, women are the creators and men are chaos. Yin/Yang. Neither can exist without the other. And when one is not in balance with the other, then the world goes to shit. Balance. Balance is needed to right this ship and right this world. More female energy is needed to counterbalance the male energy. Male energy as chaos is also creative because it makes way for new growth---like a forest fire paves the way for new undergrowth and more nutrients for more life. Yin/Yang. Or a volcano makes new land by adding to it or an earthquake makes new land by taking away from the original. It's still a kind of creation. Two sides of the same coin. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

So can I go out by myself to go dancing to my favourite pub? No, I'm too afraid. I've been highjacked by the date-rape drug and I don't want to be in that position again. 'Course I was out with friends that night and no one knew me well enough to see that I was acting out of character. I was with a group of classmates and none of them knew me well enough to save me so what would be the difference for me to go out by myself? It would be unlikely that I would see anyone I know because I don't know that many people who would go to that particular pub---and if I don't know them, then they don't know me or who I am with. Of course, there are always the observant predators who study and gauge their quarry before acting. I'm back to being afraid. And I am a mom who needs to be there for her child. So I can't risk it, can I? Do men have to have this conversation with themselves before making weekend plans? Not many.

I rest my case. Time for some balance. And more love! xoxo

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