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My daughter is autistic....

This image appeals to me as the visual synopsis of my love for my daughter and how I feel about autism. It's so so SO beautiful! Beautiful - Elaborate - Complex - Natural - Hopeful - Deeply Gratifying - Mysterious - Alien. Alien in a scary way and Alien in an alluring way. At the same time. An yet it is just a simple monochromatic picture of Earthly (?) plant life captured in a moment of time when the flora participates in a daily atmospheric ritual for survival.

And you're like, 'What?" and I'm like 'WWWhat?'

Yeah, that's what I mean. Autism. Crazy right?

Oh, and I mean, these beautiful plants/leaves/patterns of the universe are capturing the moisture of the cool morning in a time honoured tradition of surviving by all means possible (ie; in case of drought, you gotta be proactive--get all the sustenance you can whenever possible). I think that pertains to all life on Earth... don't ya think?

Beautiful, intoxicating, alien. I love my daughter SO MUCH...

That's it, I love her so much. If she wasn't in my life, I'd be dead right now. Not kidding. When my husband left me, it broke my heart ---like I have never felt PAIN before or will ever FEEL again. The love of my life, the perfect other half, my best friend in the whole world. Naaaaaaah! He was just playing a part! I don't know who this person is any more, and I'm getting more and more sure that I NEVER knew WHO this person was.....and that's only with 3 years under my belt since. Still don't trust anyone, the world really is shit and sex is disgusting. But I am still the MOMD. Oh, and I don't have any friends. I do have work friends, and friends in other cities/countries, but it's not the same. I need some friends with whom I can go out with occasionally …..

Sorry, I have got to address a few other things first. So... yes, I would have killed myself. I know it. If my daughter didn't exist, I would have ended it. I've had depression ever since my teens and I'm not sure what has saved me so many times before but THIS time would have happened. SO MUCH PAIN. SO MUCH DARKNESS.

But she needs me. And I mean she needs ME - I am her anchor - No one else can fulfill what needs she requires. It's not a boast (don't hate me, but its kind of a burden). I GET her. She is ME. Seriously, I see my childhood self in her, in her struggles, in her pain, in her anxiety. I can almost forgive myself for being who I am. Almost.

I was a little girl once, wanting lots of affection but VERY sensitive and quiet, off in my own world, and with very high anxiety about some things. I see these fears in my daughter and I think, I didn't teach you that, did I?? Not Consciously. And then I start to think about my sister and my mother and other members of my family and I start to see similarities in behaviours over the generations. THAT blows my mind. It isn't environment at all. It's genetic. And I"M NOT CRAZY. I"M NOT A FAILURE.

Why does our Brain do this to us? Oh wait, it's not just our brains but society, civilization (?) that does it to us, so its not just genetic, it is environmental too. "Mental" - see that? Mental --like it's all in our heads! Or it's a mental battle! Or, our life is what we make it! Crazy.

Yin/Yang again. In my mind, any way.

So I would have killed myself. Because without her there was nothing left to live for. Because I didn't love myself enough. Because I thought I loved him more than life itself. I saw nothing but emptiness for the rest of my days. Except, there was this little soul, this little person who dominated my every breath---and she/me wouldn't survive this dark place without me. She would get tainted or hardened, withdraw or lash out. I could foresee it because I know her so well as myself. Little me would have been such a different person without the exact same upbringing. I could have been much better but I could have been much worse. Yeah, I agree, that line of thinking is just a rabbit-hole.

Any way, it broke my heart to think of her without a mom, and how much that would damage her and I couldn't do that to her. She was innocent and good. I wish I was my own mom. Or not. Rabbit-hole.

My daughter is out tonight with her father and I am so fucking glad. See? I love her so much. Tonight I imagined being physically abusive to her. Because I need a break. What's wrong with me?? And I miss her now! Fucked up.

I used to spend A LOT of time alone. In my head and making art. I still need that or I can feel myself 'going crazy'. Like a caged animal. And I get home and I can't stand the 'other' crazy person. Only one crazy per household, please!

Her absent father is partly to blame (for what?) for not sharing half the parenting; except that, she won't have him. She doesn't want to see him that much because they butt heads all the time. 'I'm more easy going' -- that's a quote from another autism mom. Did I create this situation for them (by my actions, words, expressions, moods)? I wonder. Or did he?

The last thing he said before he left was, "I hate being around you and (our daughter) (together)" . Did he actually say 'together' or was that just implied or inferred by me?? Even if you leave that out, it still tells you a lot about their relationship. He doesn't like HER how she is when she is with me. He wants her to BE a certain way with him. Or he wants her to BE how he wants her to be and NOT how/who she seems to be turning out to be. And that's MY FAULT. Or at least, it seemed that way to him, at the time, while having an emotional affair with another woman who 'seemed' to be on his side. Or at least not get annoyed with him for 'stupid' shit. Another rabbit-hole, another time.

I love her so much. I miss her as soon as I say goodbye. Or at least 2.5 hours later. Being a parent is FUCKING hard!!!! Loss of self, struggle, mama-bear, struggle. It's cliché because it's true. No, it's true because it's cliché. No one fucking tells you how hard it is....wait, no one can understand HOW HARD it is until, they've lived it!!! Cliché.

I recently read a quote that said the only way to LEARN is to DO. You can not learn something by being told about it. Or something like that. And I think it might have been Confucious? Well, it's from someone who might know what they are talking about and that gave me pause. Because, what I take away from that, as a parent, (and I have been struggling with this--that no matter what the previous generation tells the next generation, in order to prevent future hurt) is that I can't protect my daughter from making mistakes. Is that one of the tragedies of humanity?? Doomed to revisit the mistakes of their ancestors? How BIG is this learning curve, any way?

So where was I? Oh, yeah. My daughter is autistic. And it's kind of like having a superhero in the family. And it's kind of like having a monster. Yeah, bite me. It's true. I want to get away from her so fast that I turn around and wrap my arms around her.

When I heard the official diagnosis, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and cried. And her father didn't even notice. That should have been a sign right there (and that was BEFORE the emotional affair). Actually, I found out he was trolling other women/moms on facebook from the year we joined, TWO FUCKING YEARS BEFORE our daughter was born!!! But I digress. And I didn't find that out until 7 years after she was born--a testament to his acting abilities.

I cried at her diagnosis because I knew the pain and anxiety she was in for. I knew because that was me. Except she would be me, times 10. Or maybe, I had just not been diagnosed? Was I to blame for her genetics? Of course I was! But the good stuff too! And why isn't it ALL GOOD stuff? Why is there any bad? Aren't they all just different sides of the same coin? For 'ugly' there is 'beautiful'.....etc. Except some traits are just narcissism.

I think that autism is not a flaw. It's just a trait of humanity. It might be more prevalent these days because of pollution interfering with humanity on a DNA level. But it was always there and always a trait that probably advanced humanity through the years. Think of all the 'oddballs' throughout history who have created music, art, thought, BEYOND what the 'convention' was of that time. It's intelligence at it's most uncorrupted. Raw, with feeling, without boundaries. And sometimes, humans killed it before it could blossom and sometimes humans helped it thrive. And sometimes, the super intelligence went to the dark side.....

So I'm proud to be an autism mom....and then....

And then it's fucking hard.....

Love you babe! :)

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